Thursday, January 22, 2009

7 year itch

I was visiting my best friend while they were stationed in Clarksville, Tn when I began to question my life. I was married and had been for about 7 1/2 years and had two children. Looking back this may have been what they call the 7 year itch. But when it's happening to you, you don't think past the present.

My present thoughts at the time were saying I didn't know if I was truly in love with my husband. How can you be sure your in love? How do you know what love really feels like? I was young and confused and away from my family. I called my husband and told him I was gonna stay there for the week. Mostly because I wanted time to think. He was more than willing to give me the space.

My friend worked at a bar on the base there (her husband was AF) and I would go there to hang out with her while she worked.

It was there one night someone sat on the stool next to mine and told me I was beautiful. Unless your very comfortable with compliments, you might say something like "yeah, right." That was my response. I never thought of myself as beautiful to begin with and couple that with where I was and you can understand why I shrugged him off.

He went to play a little pool, but came back and tried again. I tried the I'm married response, but evidently that was not important in this part of the negotiations phase, because he was married too. And still trying hard to get my undivided attention.

It didn't take long for him to achieve exactly that. He said all the right things, danced with me, held me close. Everything that at about that 7 year mark you may be missing. There's nothing new and exciting about what you have at home and this is. I wont be stupid and say one thing led to another, or things happen. I knew what I was doing every step of the way, there were no blinders on. I slept with him.

It didn't last long. It wasn't even what I would call an affair. We spent several days together and slept together twice. Then I woke up one morning and thought to myself - "What if what I have with husband really is love? What if it's not always sunshine and roses and sometimes it's rain clouds and manure? I could be ruining what could very well be the love of my life. What if I'm wrong?" The next day I called and said I was coming home. I never saw the other guy again.

I cheated on my husband. While I'm sure I'm not the first woman to make that revelation, it's the first time I've made it. It's easier when I try to push it to the back of my mind. But it keeps creeping back up here. Demanding my attention. I keep telling myself that I should tell him and take my lumps. But it's been so many years ago. Would telling him be just a way to ease my conscience and at the same time probably destroy him? Do I drop this bombshell on him knowing it would hurt him so deeply?

I know some of you, that I feel very close to, are going to be very disappointed when they read this. I'm sorry. I know that a cheating spouse hurt you and lets face it - that's what I was. I will not try to defend it, I just hope I still get some credit for knowing how wrong it was and that I never did make that mistake again. And I never will. And with that said. I will sign this. It will not be anonymous. (I'm breathing hard right now and may pass out, but here goes)

Soxy Deb


Tiffany said...

I say don't tell him. Because it WOULD clear your conscience at the expense of hurting him. You realized you did wrong and went back home. But who am I to give advice? I married the first boyfriend I ever had. Like I always told you, I'm an angel.

And do you know how hard it was for me to NOT say a smartass remark. I must really love your drunk dialing ass!

Kritta22 said...

You are one brave cookie to put this on here. Way to go girl!

Gosh, to be honest, I don't know what to do either. On one side, you will feel 'better' to get it off your chest but hurt him. The other you keep it in and live a lie.

My question is do you wanna stay married to your husband?

If you do, I wouldn't tell him. If you are looking for a way out, tell him.

That's my advice.

If you were Mormon, I would tell you to get your butt into the bishop's office now...but sense you aren't, that's my advice.

We don't judge here. You made mistake.I still heart you.

Janie said...

Whichever way you go, I love you!

Sabrae Carter said...

I would say DON'T tell him. Personally I think it was something that you did to see for yourself if you were truly happy in your life. My wife cheated on me. And I was mad more that I found out from the other woman. I wish to this day that I NEVER would have known becuz two years later I still DO NOT trust her!

Sara said...

I had an inkling it was you before I saw your name. Do not tell him. It would just hurt him and it would only make your life miserable from here on out. But like a previous comment asked, Are you looking for a way out? Then you have a lot more to worry about.

Jennifer Suarez said...

I've cheated on my (ex) husband, and I've been cheated on from my current husband, so I've been on BOTH sides of the story.

What do I think? Well unlike the other comments before mine, I think you should tell him.

If my husband cheated on me, even if it was years ago, I'd want to know. I would want him to trust me enough to make the decision on if I should stay or leave based on the truth of our relationship. I would be more devistated if I found out later on, or if I lived my life thinking things were perfect when they weren't. We all have the right to the truth don't we?

If he leaves you then he leaves because when he sees the truth of his life and he decided it wasn't what he wanted. But why does everyone have to assume he's going to LEAVE? Like you said, it happened years ago, it was pretty much a one (ok two) night stand, and he will understand that.

Is he going to be hurt? OF COURSE. Is he going to threaten to leave you? Probably. Will he actually leave? Well I don't know him personally, but if he loves you, and takes time to understand everything, and respect the fact that you came out and told him wihtout him having to find it out on his own... I think he'll stay.

When I told my husband about my affair (Which at the time was only an emotional affair and had not turned physical) it was one of the hardest things I ever did. It DEVISTATED HIM. But he was willing to work things out if I wanted to. Obviously I didn't because the affair did turn physical and I eventually divorced him.

I don't know... I'm just telling you how *I* would feel and what I've experienced. If you choose not to tell him I certainly wouldn't think badly of you for it. You have to do what is right for you and your happiness.

I guess the only thing I say is ask yourself, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want to know or not?

Jennifer Suarez said...

PS - Deb, you have balls of steel for signing your name. I am SO proud of you for that.

Jennifer Suarez said...

PPS - my husband and I are still happily married, even after I found out about his affair. It took a lot of counseling and a lot of work to get back to being happy together... but... it's proof that a marriage CAN survive an affair.

I found out about the affair and in the end I still stayed. Just food for thought.

♥georgie♥ said...

I wrote a big ol long comment then deleted it....

Deb you have to do whats right for you and the hubby...

I wouldnt tell him and I say that from being a cheater myself...

JamieD said...

You are such a brave woman, Deb. Really and truly. I am also proud of you for signing your name to what had to have been a very difficult post.

Do you still questions whether or not you love him? If so, then my suggestion would be professional help and you can tell him all these things with the help of a counselor.

If not, then my vote is don't tell. I can't help but feel if you told him now, you would re-open all of those old feelings from that time in your relationship for both of you. And it sounds like they were mostly not good. If you have managed to work through that patch and come through with a stronger relationship then the past is the past. Leave those things, and that Deb, there.

Love you, sweetie.

Julie said...

Well fuck me running. LOL

OK...deep breath.

First, I will kick your ass in April. Quietly and in private.

Second...evidently I need to kick Georgie's ass too. And Jen's.

And I'm going to kick Tiff's just for good measure to keep her in line.


I want you to know that I appreciate more than anything, you telling me to come and read this post, and caring that it could affect my feelings for you.

It doesn't. I don't think any less of you.

My situation was with a man who not only cheated, he "fell in love with" another woman, he rubbed it in my face, he flaunted it in front of our employees, and he was basically laughing as he tore my life apart.

Your situation is a bit different. Doesn't make it right, but the circumstances were far less damaging.

I like to believe I would have never cheated on my husband, or will never cheat on my future one. I also believed that if I was ever cheated on, I would kick his ass out the door so fast he'd leave skid marks, yet when it happened all I wanted to do was save my marriage. And, I stayed with him even after our divorce, even though I was so hurt I could barely move. I just wanted my life, my marriage, my future back. So that just goes to show that what I "think" I would do in a situation versus what I did/would do when it actually happened are two totally different things.

Point I'm trying to make is, I don't think what you did was right, but I wasn't in your position. Maybe I'd have done the same thing. Trust me, I am so far from perfect it's not funny. I've got skeletons in my closet that will never see the light of day, so I cannot judge anybody...(but I do sometimes. LOL)

That being said, I see no reason to tell your husband. That was obviously years and years ago, what good would it do to devastate him now, and make him question every minute of his life with you since then? If you need to clear your conscience then see a therapist, or talk it out with us, but you made the mistake and you need to suck it up and deal with it yourself. Nothing good would come out of confessing. It would only hurt your hubby, your kids, and yourself, to bring it out in the open now.

You fucked up. I assume you learned from it and will not make that mistake again. Bury it and move on.

And remember, I still love you. But if you do it again, I am kicking your ass from one end of Myrtle Beach to the other.

CJ said...

Good for you for being honest with yourself... I know it's hard. I'm not going to judge you.

I would ask yourself WHY you would tell him. To get it off your chest and make yourself feel better?

Generally, the "wisdom" on infidelity is that if it was an isolated, one-time situation that has NOT happened again and WILL NOT happen again, keep it to yourself. You could bring a lot of pain to people you love, with no real purpose other than to sooth your own conscience. Let the past remain in the past.

Being a therapist in my former life, of course I am going to recommend you talk to a counselor (if you haven't already). You need to figure out how to forgive yourself for what you did, without harming your family. BUT -- if this guilt is coming up now because you are unhappy in your marriage currently, your counselor can help you work out how to broach the subject with hubby.

Good luck!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

WOW, Deb!

Did not see this one coming! You do get credit for knowing it was wrong and owning up to it. I am not sure what I would do. If you do tell you need to know that your boys would most likely find out as well.

Kudos to you for getting this off your chest and signing it!

I will make sure I have Julie kick your ass a 2nd time for me too!

Me said...

I admire you for putting yourself out there..owning up to it and signing your name. For that reason alone, I respect you and have chosen to leave my comment using my profile.

Unfortunately, I have no good advice. I think that only you know what is best for YOU and YOUR relationship. Only you know how your husband will react and how it will effect your current relationship.

I would suspect though..that just by getting it out in the open like you have might be able to let this go. Sometimes that is the hardest part..Forgiving yourself. If that is the case (you haven't forgiven yourself) I think its time. I truly believe that time does heal things and it sounds like you have done your time already!

binks said...

You are a brave one to put that out there. I think that no good will come from telling your husband. Only hurt and more guilt. It is so far in the past, forgive yourself of the indiscretion and move on.

I think most of us have done at least one bad thing that we regret. Who is to judge which is the worse?

Annie said...

I say don't tell him! Get it off your chest here, but I think too much time has passed and the only good that will come out of it is that you might feel a little better, than infinitely worse after fessing up. Maybe the guilt will help you not go down that path again?? Man,this sucks. No feel good answer,you know? DON'T DO IT!

Kirby3131 said...

I've heard it said a million times & then I heard Dr. Phil say it -- don't tell. If it isn't going to happen again, if it is over and done with, if you never went back, if if if. There are a lot of things to consider, but I would take it to the grave. This is not something that you need to put into your husbands head. You don't need for him to worry every time you walk out the door. You don't need him distrusting you. You don't need him to be devastated at something you did and have regretted and never done again. Marriages have enough day to day problems without bringing in one of infidelity when it was years ago and hasn't happened again.

I do hope you make the decision based on what you feel is right for you and your family. Bless you.