I am crying on the inside every day. I am a shell of the person I used to be. That’s the way I used to describe his mom. I swore I would never become her. I am ashamed to have fallen into her path.
I watched the control and manipulation that his mom and dad treated each other with. There was no love. There was nothing but sadness, hurt, and emptiness. It was a painful marriage and a mirror of the one I am trapped in right now.
Why did you marry him? To the judgemental people that may ask this… he wasn’t this way when I married him. I worked, I supported myself, I was independent and had respect for myself. He understood this and I believe respected me for it. When I stopped working to raise kids, he turned into a different person. He gradually became a control freak and a manipulator just like his family was. He started using his paycheck against me like a weapon. He would track me wherever I went: store, doctor, or neighbor’s houses. This was before cell phones and it became humiliating.
I was a feisty one, though, and didn’t go down without a fight. However, when it came down to it, I just gave up trying. The kids were small and I thought it was important that they not be surrounded by the arguing. It got so bad, that I just stopped socializing, stopped having friends, stopped being me. It was too hard to be honest, to listen to their anecdotes about their loving husbands and their ‘normal’ marriages.
I was and still am embarrassed of the life I have- the empty, loveless life.
I know that I enabled his need for control of me to get worse by giving in, but now it’s become a monster bigger than I can handle. I have not gone out with friends without him or my kids shadowing me in over 10 years. It is a sad and lonely place. I have lost a lot of friends simply from avoiding them out of shame.
We don’t make each other better people. We bring out the worst in each other. I am ashamed of him as my husband and of the person and wife I have become. Therapy has helped me confirm my feelings of despair and that I need to find some way out, but he doesn’t get anything from therapy.
His verbal abuse cuts through me daily. I have often wished it were physical because bruises, cuts, and broken arms will heal. I don’t know that I will ever get over being called a fat bitch or ugly cunt for as long as I will live.
I envy people that are divorced. Whether they have found true happiness elsewhere or if they are just away from a bad situation. I wish I had an option, a place to go, a career to fall back on, but I don’t. I have sacrificed everything for my kids and given up my life, in the process. I want it back, but can’t find the way there.
I know that the kids would be better off outside of this poison environment and that I would be a much better mom because I would be a much happier person. As much as I try to find a way to do it, I can’t.
I don’t have much hope for him ever changing or it getting better. I just pray that my circumstances will eventually get me to a place where I can live and, hopefully, love again.