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Thursday, February 5, 2009

This one's truly heart breaking

I am crying on the inside every day. I am a shell of the person I used to be. That’s the way I used to describe his mom. I swore I would never become her. I am ashamed to have fallen into her path.

I watched the control and manipulation that his mom and dad treated each other with. There was no love. There was nothing but sadness, hurt, and emptiness. It was a painful marriage and a mirror of the one I am trapped in right now.

Why did you marry him? To the judgemental people that may ask this… he wasn’t this way when I married him. I worked, I supported myself, I was independent and had respect for myself. He understood this and I believe respected me for it. When I stopped working to raise kids, he turned into a different person. He gradually became a control freak and a manipulator just like his family was. He started using his paycheck against me like a weapon. He would track me wherever I went: store, doctor, or neighbor’s houses. This was before cell phones and it became humiliating.

I was a feisty one, though, and didn’t go down without a fight. However, when it came down to it, I just gave up trying. The kids were small and I thought it was important that they not be surrounded by the arguing. It got so bad, that I just stopped socializing, stopped having friends, stopped being me. It was too hard to be honest, to listen to their anecdotes about their loving husbands and their ‘normal’ marriages.

I was and still am embarrassed of the life I have- the empty, loveless life.

I know that I enabled his need for control of me to get worse by giving in, but now it’s become a monster bigger than I can handle. I have not gone out with friends without him or my kids shadowing me in over 10 years. It is a sad and lonely place. I have lost a lot of friends simply from avoiding them out of shame.

We don’t make each other better people. We bring out the worst in each other. I am ashamed of him as my husband and of the person and wife I have become. Therapy has helped me confirm my feelings of despair and that I need to find some way out, but he doesn’t get anything from therapy.

His verbal abuse cuts through me daily. I have often wished it were physical because bruises, cuts, and broken arms will heal. I don’t know that I will ever get over being called a fat bitch or ugly cunt for as long as I will live.

I envy people that are divorced. Whether they have found true happiness elsewhere or if they are just away from a bad situation. I wish I had an option, a place to go, a career to fall back on, but I don’t. I have sacrificed everything for my kids and given up my life, in the process. I want it back, but can’t find the way there.

I know that the kids would be better off outside of this poison environment and that I would be a much better mom because I would be a much happier person. As much as I try to find a way to do it, I can’t.

I don’t have much hope for him ever changing or it getting better. I just pray that my circumstances will eventually get me to a place where I can live and, hopefully, love again.

11 comments:

Liza said...

Oh my god, I am actually crying over this. I want to say all the things that everyone wants to say like "get out now no matter what the obstacles" and "you'll make it work" and "anything would be better than this" and "do it for your kids if not for yourself" but I know those are all cliches that this person has probably heard a millions times already. All I can say is I hope and pray that you find the strength one day to get away from this horrible situation. No one deserves to live like that. And one other thing - Do you really think your kids are better off living with this than with parents who fight all the time? I would be worried if I had girls that they would grow up to think it's ok for men to treat them like that, and if I had boys, that they would think it was an ok to treat a woman. Just sayin'.

In any case, I am not judging, just something to think about. HUGS and if you ever want to talk privately to someone, email me - glickgirls@gmail.com

♥georgie♥ said...

Oh my...
I wish I had words of advice...i am in a similar situtaion not near to the point you are and minus the verbal abuse...but at any rate I feel your pain...I feel like I have lost a part of myslf becoming a stay at home mom...no one respects me...okay i will shut up and just send (((HUGS))) if you ever wanna talk you know how to find me...

binks said...

I just want to say that I am sorry that you are in this position and send hugs, strength and courage your way. You need to embrace your friends and look to them for help. Do not be ashamed, it is not your fault. Spousal abuse is much more than just physical. Remember that there are organizations that can help too.
You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to be in a safe, non-abusive home.

Anonymous said...

Liza,

thanks for your comment. I wrote this and you're right- I have heard all of that a million times- especially from myself. The reason it is anonymous is because it is a horribly humiliating situation to admit.

I absolutely don't think that these circumstances are the best for my kids to live in, but I also don't believe that living in a shelter or a car would be ideal either.

I am very conscious of it. I avoid fighting around the kids as much as possible, but being from a dysfunctional family myself, I am well aware or the viscious cycles that can happen and talk to them- like my mother NEVER did with me.

I tell my son that he should treat EVERYONE with utmost respect and his fathers' actions are from untreated pain, fear, and anxiety. I tell my girls that they should never settle for anyone that doesn't FULLY respect them like the true gifts that they are. I want them to understand why he acts the way he does and that it is a sickness- because he will always be their dad, warts and all.

Thanks for your understanding words- I just wanted to clear that up.

Anonymous said...

"His verbal abuse cuts through me daily. I have often wished it were physical because bruises, cuts, and broken arms will heal."
Yes, but not the pain.
There ARE options. You can choose your destiny. Been there done that as have many others. Please please get out of there. We care. Please re-post and let us know how you are doing.

Anonymous said...

It's me...the author again... I meant no disrespect to people that are physically abused, that would definitely be worse, but maybe would have given me more drive to get out. Sorry if it was misconstrued that way.

I wrote this on a very volatile day. It's all very true, but certainly, some days are worse than others- this was written on a very bad day. I even reconsidered posting it, but wanted the raw emotion of a bad day to remind me of how bad it gets.

I also want to assure everyone that I'm not in a dangerous place- not healthy or happy, but not dangerous. And I am trying very hard to take the steps do what has to be done.

Soxy Deb said...

I wont try to tell you that you should get out. I know you know that. I just want to get in my car and drive to wherever you are and take you and the children to a safer and happier place.
It breaks my heart to think that your this unhappy and my every maternal instinct is screaming at me to go to you and take care of you.
But that's not possible.
Instead I hope that you will find some peace. Somewhere and somehow. With this choice, or any other you may one day feel strong enough to make.
I wish there was someone you felt close enough to to confide in, and who could help you to get out of this situation. Take you in, help you get on your feet while you try to make a new life for yourself and your children. Would that be easy? Certainly not, but I wish it for you anyway.
My thoughts will be with you. And if you do think of anyway that I personally can help you, know that I will. No question. All you have to do is say the word.

Bailey's Granny said...

Your post could have been mine six plus years ago. Believe me you are not doing your children any favors by staying. My kids (now 20, 18 and 13) are still dealing with the 17 years I spend with a man who verbally and mentally abused me. Start taking baby steps to get back to that person you were before you were married. You won't regret whatever you go through to get your self respect back. When I first left my ex I lived in one room with three kids. We slept on a bunk bed, me and the two boys on the double bunk on bottom and my daughter on top. We had one dresser for all three of us, a computer and a tv. I hadn't worked in 15 years and believe me it was the best thing I did - leaving. It wasn't easy but it was good. Three months after my divorce was final I found a wonderful man who is the complete opposite of my ex. We live paycheck to paycheck (my ex has plenty of $) but we are happy! And I have my self respect back, I am back to the person I should have been for the 17 years I was married. Good luck! I will be praying for you and your family.

Annie said...

I'm just sending you hugs and good wishes.

Kritta22 said...

Oh my goodness! I'm with Soxy Deb. I just wanna scoop you up and cuddle you. Tell you, you are beautiful and wonderful. Tell you, you are better than anything he ever said to. Let you live in my house with your babies.
Seriously, though, if you need anything, anything at all, please, please let me know.

Sabrae Carter said...

I hope you find the strength to pick up the pieces and do what is right... Tho I don't have kids with my ex husband he was the same.. very verbally and menatlly abusive! Lucky for me no kids involved and I walked away before it got worse.. Hugs