This one is from Annie over at Cookies,chaos & conversations. She's looking for some advice from us. Hit her with your best shot.
Do you own a blog? Do your family and friends read it, or is it something that you do for yourself?
I started this blog a few months ago after I began to read and enjoy others blogs. I gave my site out to my friend who started one at the same time, and about 2 or 3 other people, including a cousin and a former co worker. No one else knows I blog!
It feels like a bit of a dirty secret! I can't decide if I out myself and tell my best friends,or if I keep on keeping on!
I write all true stuff, and sometimes I include them. However, I never name exact names and I never post pictures of anyone other than my family. Now I feel like Ive waited so long, maybe its better?!?!
So, are you an undercover blogger? Do I out myself or not?
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
This one's truly heart breaking
I am crying on the inside every day. I am a shell of the person I used to be. That’s the way I used to describe his mom. I swore I would never become her. I am ashamed to have fallen into her path.
I watched the control and manipulation that his mom and dad treated each other with. There was no love. There was nothing but sadness, hurt, and emptiness. It was a painful marriage and a mirror of the one I am trapped in right now.
Why did you marry him? To the judgemental people that may ask this… he wasn’t this way when I married him. I worked, I supported myself, I was independent and had respect for myself. He understood this and I believe respected me for it. When I stopped working to raise kids, he turned into a different person. He gradually became a control freak and a manipulator just like his family was. He started using his paycheck against me like a weapon. He would track me wherever I went: store, doctor, or neighbor’s houses. This was before cell phones and it became humiliating.
I was a feisty one, though, and didn’t go down without a fight. However, when it came down to it, I just gave up trying. The kids were small and I thought it was important that they not be surrounded by the arguing. It got so bad, that I just stopped socializing, stopped having friends, stopped being me. It was too hard to be honest, to listen to their anecdotes about their loving husbands and their ‘normal’ marriages.
I was and still am embarrassed of the life I have- the empty, loveless life.
I know that I enabled his need for control of me to get worse by giving in, but now it’s become a monster bigger than I can handle. I have not gone out with friends without him or my kids shadowing me in over 10 years. It is a sad and lonely place. I have lost a lot of friends simply from avoiding them out of shame.
We don’t make each other better people. We bring out the worst in each other. I am ashamed of him as my husband and of the person and wife I have become. Therapy has helped me confirm my feelings of despair and that I need to find some way out, but he doesn’t get anything from therapy.
His verbal abuse cuts through me daily. I have often wished it were physical because bruises, cuts, and broken arms will heal. I don’t know that I will ever get over being called a fat bitch or ugly cunt for as long as I will live.
I envy people that are divorced. Whether they have found true happiness elsewhere or if they are just away from a bad situation. I wish I had an option, a place to go, a career to fall back on, but I don’t. I have sacrificed everything for my kids and given up my life, in the process. I want it back, but can’t find the way there.
I know that the kids would be better off outside of this poison environment and that I would be a much better mom because I would be a much happier person. As much as I try to find a way to do it, I can’t.
I don’t have much hope for him ever changing or it getting better. I just pray that my circumstances will eventually get me to a place where I can live and, hopefully, love again.
I watched the control and manipulation that his mom and dad treated each other with. There was no love. There was nothing but sadness, hurt, and emptiness. It was a painful marriage and a mirror of the one I am trapped in right now.
Why did you marry him? To the judgemental people that may ask this… he wasn’t this way when I married him. I worked, I supported myself, I was independent and had respect for myself. He understood this and I believe respected me for it. When I stopped working to raise kids, he turned into a different person. He gradually became a control freak and a manipulator just like his family was. He started using his paycheck against me like a weapon. He would track me wherever I went: store, doctor, or neighbor’s houses. This was before cell phones and it became humiliating.
I was a feisty one, though, and didn’t go down without a fight. However, when it came down to it, I just gave up trying. The kids were small and I thought it was important that they not be surrounded by the arguing. It got so bad, that I just stopped socializing, stopped having friends, stopped being me. It was too hard to be honest, to listen to their anecdotes about their loving husbands and their ‘normal’ marriages.
I was and still am embarrassed of the life I have- the empty, loveless life.
I know that I enabled his need for control of me to get worse by giving in, but now it’s become a monster bigger than I can handle. I have not gone out with friends without him or my kids shadowing me in over 10 years. It is a sad and lonely place. I have lost a lot of friends simply from avoiding them out of shame.
We don’t make each other better people. We bring out the worst in each other. I am ashamed of him as my husband and of the person and wife I have become. Therapy has helped me confirm my feelings of despair and that I need to find some way out, but he doesn’t get anything from therapy.
His verbal abuse cuts through me daily. I have often wished it were physical because bruises, cuts, and broken arms will heal. I don’t know that I will ever get over being called a fat bitch or ugly cunt for as long as I will live.
I envy people that are divorced. Whether they have found true happiness elsewhere or if they are just away from a bad situation. I wish I had an option, a place to go, a career to fall back on, but I don’t. I have sacrificed everything for my kids and given up my life, in the process. I want it back, but can’t find the way there.
I know that the kids would be better off outside of this poison environment and that I would be a much better mom because I would be a much happier person. As much as I try to find a way to do it, I can’t.
I don’t have much hope for him ever changing or it getting better. I just pray that my circumstances will eventually get me to a place where I can live and, hopefully, love again.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
7 year itch
I was visiting my best friend while they were stationed in Clarksville, Tn when I began to question my life. I was married and had been for about 7 1/2 years and had two children. Looking back this may have been what they call the 7 year itch. But when it's happening to you, you don't think past the present.
My present thoughts at the time were saying I didn't know if I was truly in love with my husband. How can you be sure your in love? How do you know what love really feels like? I was young and confused and away from my family. I called my husband and told him I was gonna stay there for the week. Mostly because I wanted time to think. He was more than willing to give me the space.
My friend worked at a bar on the base there (her husband was AF) and I would go there to hang out with her while she worked.
It was there one night someone sat on the stool next to mine and told me I was beautiful. Unless your very comfortable with compliments, you might say something like "yeah, right." That was my response. I never thought of myself as beautiful to begin with and couple that with where I was and you can understand why I shrugged him off.
He went to play a little pool, but came back and tried again. I tried the I'm married response, but evidently that was not important in this part of the negotiations phase, because he was married too. And still trying hard to get my undivided attention.
It didn't take long for him to achieve exactly that. He said all the right things, danced with me, held me close. Everything that at about that 7 year mark you may be missing. There's nothing new and exciting about what you have at home and this is. I wont be stupid and say one thing led to another, or things happen. I knew what I was doing every step of the way, there were no blinders on. I slept with him.
It didn't last long. It wasn't even what I would call an affair. We spent several days together and slept together twice. Then I woke up one morning and thought to myself - "What if what I have with husband really is love? What if it's not always sunshine and roses and sometimes it's rain clouds and manure? I could be ruining what could very well be the love of my life. What if I'm wrong?" The next day I called and said I was coming home. I never saw the other guy again.
I cheated on my husband. While I'm sure I'm not the first woman to make that revelation, it's the first time I've made it. It's easier when I try to push it to the back of my mind. But it keeps creeping back up here. Demanding my attention. I keep telling myself that I should tell him and take my lumps. But it's been so many years ago. Would telling him be just a way to ease my conscience and at the same time probably destroy him? Do I drop this bombshell on him knowing it would hurt him so deeply?
I know some of you, that I feel very close to, are going to be very disappointed when they read this. I'm sorry. I know that a cheating spouse hurt you and lets face it - that's what I was. I will not try to defend it, I just hope I still get some credit for knowing how wrong it was and that I never did make that mistake again. And I never will. And with that said. I will sign this. It will not be anonymous. (I'm breathing hard right now and may pass out, but here goes)
Soxy Deb
My present thoughts at the time were saying I didn't know if I was truly in love with my husband. How can you be sure your in love? How do you know what love really feels like? I was young and confused and away from my family. I called my husband and told him I was gonna stay there for the week. Mostly because I wanted time to think. He was more than willing to give me the space.
My friend worked at a bar on the base there (her husband was AF) and I would go there to hang out with her while she worked.
It was there one night someone sat on the stool next to mine and told me I was beautiful. Unless your very comfortable with compliments, you might say something like "yeah, right." That was my response. I never thought of myself as beautiful to begin with and couple that with where I was and you can understand why I shrugged him off.
He went to play a little pool, but came back and tried again. I tried the I'm married response, but evidently that was not important in this part of the negotiations phase, because he was married too. And still trying hard to get my undivided attention.
It didn't take long for him to achieve exactly that. He said all the right things, danced with me, held me close. Everything that at about that 7 year mark you may be missing. There's nothing new and exciting about what you have at home and this is. I wont be stupid and say one thing led to another, or things happen. I knew what I was doing every step of the way, there were no blinders on. I slept with him.
It didn't last long. It wasn't even what I would call an affair. We spent several days together and slept together twice. Then I woke up one morning and thought to myself - "What if what I have with husband really is love? What if it's not always sunshine and roses and sometimes it's rain clouds and manure? I could be ruining what could very well be the love of my life. What if I'm wrong?" The next day I called and said I was coming home. I never saw the other guy again.
I cheated on my husband. While I'm sure I'm not the first woman to make that revelation, it's the first time I've made it. It's easier when I try to push it to the back of my mind. But it keeps creeping back up here. Demanding my attention. I keep telling myself that I should tell him and take my lumps. But it's been so many years ago. Would telling him be just a way to ease my conscience and at the same time probably destroy him? Do I drop this bombshell on him knowing it would hurt him so deeply?
I know some of you, that I feel very close to, are going to be very disappointed when they read this. I'm sorry. I know that a cheating spouse hurt you and lets face it - that's what I was. I will not try to defend it, I just hope I still get some credit for knowing how wrong it was and that I never did make that mistake again. And I never will. And with that said. I will sign this. It will not be anonymous. (I'm breathing hard right now and may pass out, but here goes)
Soxy Deb
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Another bloggy friend in need of advice
When I went to your new blog and read about what you are doing I thought to myself "What a great idea...for other people." Well, guess what? Less than a week after you start your fabulous blog, I feel the need to put it out there.
I am having financial difficulties and am at a loss as to solving these difficulties. I got divorced six years ago and got a healthy settlement, I purchase my townhouse with a significant down payment, bought a car and furnished our new home and had dwindled my savings to around $10,000.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for five years and we live together. He has been supportive in all ways including financial. I probably should not have qualified for my mortgage when I got it 4 1/2 years ago but at the time I was receiving child support for three children and now I get no child support.
Last November I got laid off from a decent paying job. I went on unemployment and started semi-looking for work. At that time Dave had a good job and was bringing in more than enough money to pay all the bills. His boss is a jerk and sometimes wouldn't pay the guys until Saturday and sometimes not until Monday but they always got paid.
About three months ago he kept telling me his boss was jerking him around with his pay and week after week I got no money or little money from him. My savings was slowing dwindling each and every week and my unemployment ran out in October so I had no income. After about six weeks of this bullshit I lost it.
Dave finally came clean with the fact that he had had $10,000 cash of his boss's money stolen out of his car and his boss was only giving him a couple of hundred a week until he got his money back. Now, he is in the produce business and lots of times he has had $80-100,000 cash to pay for produce so him having the cash is not unlikely. What really, really bothered me was he lied time and time again about his paychecks.
As soon as I found out I started really looking for a job. I found one within a few days of starting to search but for 2/3 of what I was making before I was laid off but I felt a job was a job. Now, as I said before, Dave's boss is a jerk and his expectations of Dave got more and more. He would be loading trucks until 2 or 3 in the morning and he has started his day at 8 a.m. His cell phone never stopped ringing, day or night. I finally told him it was either me or the phone in the bedroom because I was tired of being woke up in the middle of the night. And I also told him he needed to let his boss know he was not going to work 24 hours a day. Well when he told his boss that his boss fired him. I am happy to have him home evenings again and his new cell phone is blissfully quiet.
Now, here is my situation - I have $180 in my savings, $780 in my checking and a job that I bring home a bit less than $400 a week and monthly bills of approx $2,500 per month. And Dave with no job and the job market here sucks right now. What should I do?
Try and sell my place? I have so much clutter and junk in closets it would take me forever to get it ready and what do I do with the junk in the meantime? And with the market being so bad who knows how long it will take to sell.
Stop making my payments and let the house go back to the bank?
Take in a roommate? (Again, the clutter becomes an issue as well as two kids at home and three pets).
Get my two almost-grown children involved? Since I have always had a bit of money in the bank the kids think I have money to spare.
I am so frustrated and worried about my situation and will consider any and all advise.
I am having financial difficulties and am at a loss as to solving these difficulties. I got divorced six years ago and got a healthy settlement, I purchase my townhouse with a significant down payment, bought a car and furnished our new home and had dwindled my savings to around $10,000.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for five years and we live together. He has been supportive in all ways including financial. I probably should not have qualified for my mortgage when I got it 4 1/2 years ago but at the time I was receiving child support for three children and now I get no child support.
Last November I got laid off from a decent paying job. I went on unemployment and started semi-looking for work. At that time Dave had a good job and was bringing in more than enough money to pay all the bills. His boss is a jerk and sometimes wouldn't pay the guys until Saturday and sometimes not until Monday but they always got paid.
About three months ago he kept telling me his boss was jerking him around with his pay and week after week I got no money or little money from him. My savings was slowing dwindling each and every week and my unemployment ran out in October so I had no income. After about six weeks of this bullshit I lost it.
Dave finally came clean with the fact that he had had $10,000 cash of his boss's money stolen out of his car and his boss was only giving him a couple of hundred a week until he got his money back. Now, he is in the produce business and lots of times he has had $80-100,000 cash to pay for produce so him having the cash is not unlikely. What really, really bothered me was he lied time and time again about his paychecks.
As soon as I found out I started really looking for a job. I found one within a few days of starting to search but for 2/3 of what I was making before I was laid off but I felt a job was a job. Now, as I said before, Dave's boss is a jerk and his expectations of Dave got more and more. He would be loading trucks until 2 or 3 in the morning and he has started his day at 8 a.m. His cell phone never stopped ringing, day or night. I finally told him it was either me or the phone in the bedroom because I was tired of being woke up in the middle of the night. And I also told him he needed to let his boss know he was not going to work 24 hours a day. Well when he told his boss that his boss fired him. I am happy to have him home evenings again and his new cell phone is blissfully quiet.
Now, here is my situation - I have $180 in my savings, $780 in my checking and a job that I bring home a bit less than $400 a week and monthly bills of approx $2,500 per month. And Dave with no job and the job market here sucks right now. What should I do?
Try and sell my place? I have so much clutter and junk in closets it would take me forever to get it ready and what do I do with the junk in the meantime? And with the market being so bad who knows how long it will take to sell.
Stop making my payments and let the house go back to the bank?
Take in a roommate? (Again, the clutter becomes an issue as well as two kids at home and three pets).
Get my two almost-grown children involved? Since I have always had a bit of money in the bank the kids think I have money to spare.
I am so frustrated and worried about my situation and will consider any and all advise.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Our first "off the record" post
This author wishes to remain anonymous. Here's her story...
I am so grateful for this blog (thank you Deb and Georgie!) since I really wanted to get some perspective on this situation from others, but I don't feel comfortable posting this on my blog.
In a nutshell, here is the situation: I am considering having weight loss surgery (Gastric Bypass) and I am trying to decide if I should do it or not. I have about 75-80lbs to lose and I am right on the border line as far as someone who is or is not eligible for surgery.
Generally if you have a BMI of 35-40, you are eligible for surgery if you have another existing condition associated with being overweight (i.e. sleep apnea, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.). Once you reach a BMI of 40 you are generally eligible just with that alone.
Here's my situation: 3 weeks ago my BMI was 35.9 which will probably be considered for surgery since I have also tested positive for Sleep Apnea. However, at 35.9, I am right on the line of being eligible and not eligible. Then last night when I went to the doctor again I was weighed and I lost 6lbs in the last 3 weeks (he gave me a med to try) which brings me to a BMI of exactly 35.
So my quandary is this - do I continue to try and lose on my own and become ineligible for surgery or do I stop trying and stay in the range to be considered? Initially I thought, well, if I've done 6lbs, I could probably do this on my own, but let's be real - all these years (I have always struggled with my weight and have progressively been gaining every year for the last 10 years) I haven't, so what makes me think I could do it now? I've lost 6lbs, but could I really keep it up to lose another 75 on my own which is what I need to do? Honestly, I doubt it if you ask me. That is a LONG way to go.
So, this is where I am at. I told my doctor that since the process takes so long (usually it takes 6 months to a year to get from the time you say you want the surgery to actually having it), I want to start it and continue to think about it as the process goes along. He gave me the referral to the surgeon and now I just have to make the appointment, but honestly if I lose any more weight I probably won't even be a candidate.
Part of me is like, I can do this myself and don't need to take this drastic step, but then the other part of me is like how many years have I said that and I have never actually done it? Yes, it's possible, but will I? The surgery will ensure I do it whether I want to or not since you are physically forced to do it based on the changes made to your body. Again, I am not convinced it's the right thing for me, that's why I am still debating this. I have the referral to the doctor though and I am going to make the appointment and continue to move forward with this until and if I definitely decide not to pursue it.
What would you do considering all this?
I am so grateful for this blog (thank you Deb and Georgie!) since I really wanted to get some perspective on this situation from others, but I don't feel comfortable posting this on my blog.
In a nutshell, here is the situation: I am considering having weight loss surgery (Gastric Bypass) and I am trying to decide if I should do it or not. I have about 75-80lbs to lose and I am right on the border line as far as someone who is or is not eligible for surgery.
Generally if you have a BMI of 35-40, you are eligible for surgery if you have another existing condition associated with being overweight (i.e. sleep apnea, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.). Once you reach a BMI of 40 you are generally eligible just with that alone.
Here's my situation: 3 weeks ago my BMI was 35.9 which will probably be considered for surgery since I have also tested positive for Sleep Apnea. However, at 35.9, I am right on the line of being eligible and not eligible. Then last night when I went to the doctor again I was weighed and I lost 6lbs in the last 3 weeks (he gave me a med to try) which brings me to a BMI of exactly 35.
So my quandary is this - do I continue to try and lose on my own and become ineligible for surgery or do I stop trying and stay in the range to be considered? Initially I thought, well, if I've done 6lbs, I could probably do this on my own, but let's be real - all these years (I have always struggled with my weight and have progressively been gaining every year for the last 10 years) I haven't, so what makes me think I could do it now? I've lost 6lbs, but could I really keep it up to lose another 75 on my own which is what I need to do? Honestly, I doubt it if you ask me. That is a LONG way to go.
So, this is where I am at. I told my doctor that since the process takes so long (usually it takes 6 months to a year to get from the time you say you want the surgery to actually having it), I want to start it and continue to think about it as the process goes along. He gave me the referral to the surgeon and now I just have to make the appointment, but honestly if I lose any more weight I probably won't even be a candidate.
Part of me is like, I can do this myself and don't need to take this drastic step, but then the other part of me is like how many years have I said that and I have never actually done it? Yes, it's possible, but will I? The surgery will ensure I do it whether I want to or not since you are physically forced to do it based on the changes made to your body. Again, I am not convinced it's the right thing for me, that's why I am still debating this. I have the referral to the doctor though and I am going to make the appointment and continue to move forward with this until and if I definitely decide not to pursue it.
What would you do considering all this?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Ground rules and other stuff...
Georgie and I have had so many positive replies to our emails about this blog. We are very excited that you all are being so receptive to the idea. There have been many of you that say you are "in" and that's great. Just drop us an email at the offtherecord38@rocketmail.com. Tell us where your post begins and ends (within the body of the email) and whether or not you choose to be anon. Then if you have a specific day you would like us to publish the post, let us know. If not then we will let you know the day/date we will publish it.
Couple of other items that have been brought to my attention. The should we "follow" or not. I can see how someone could find you that way, but if a person you are trying to avoid (i.e. an in-law or such) doesn't know of the existence of this blog then they would have to be quite the PI to find it. Sure it could happen, but that's an awful lot of work and you could still be Anon while posting here. That being said, if you don't want anyone to see that you are a follower, then by all means DO NOT FOLLOW. Just bookmark the page or add it to your favorites. Whatever works for you. We want you to be completely comfortable while you are here. Can I get you a pillow? Blanket? Shot of vodka?
The other item is "ground rules". I am not sure what you mean by ground rules however, I can say that you should feel free to say anything you need to get off your chest in your posting. Anything. Whether it's about sex or money or the dreaded in-laws (pattern anyone). Use profanity if you like. You surely cant offend me (but I cant speak for others). If anyone is offended by that, I apologize in advance and hope you will try to understand that this is an OPEN forum. I don't feel like we should censor anyone. I think I speak for Georgie in that regard also.
Don't be afraid to submit whatever you have that you would like to talk about. We are not here to judge.
We'll be looking for your emails and hope to get the first one published this week.
Monday, January 5, 2009
New Year -- New Blog
Welcome to the birth of a collaborative effort between Georgie and Soxy Deb. The champagne is chilled and flowing. Grab a glass!
We have seen lots of call for a blog where you can go to be incognito to bitch, complain or just ask for advice or help from the Internets. Someplace where your family does not read and would not think to look for you. A hideout, as it were. This was born out of that need.
We want everyone who comes here to be comfortable. To know that what you reveal, whether anonymously or not, will not go any further than this blog. Because of that we ask that you do not put us on your blogroll, but instead put this blog in your Reader. That way you can access it, but others who read your blog will still not know it exists. We also ask that if you read anything here written by an author of another blog, that you respect their privacy and DO NOT comment about their post or this blog in their comments. And lastly, we ask that you are always respectful with whatever comments you leave. You may agree or disagree with a post, but there will be no need for disparaging remarks as they will not be published.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way...
If anyone out there needs a place to go to vent, confess or just needs to be heard; email us at:
offtherecord38@rocketmail.com
Welcome. We hope while your here you'll be able to help and maybe even be helped.
Thanks for stopping by.
We have seen lots of call for a blog where you can go to be incognito to bitch, complain or just ask for advice or help from the Internets. Someplace where your family does not read and would not think to look for you. A hideout, as it were. This was born out of that need.
We want everyone who comes here to be comfortable. To know that what you reveal, whether anonymously or not, will not go any further than this blog. Because of that we ask that you do not put us on your blogroll, but instead put this blog in your Reader. That way you can access it, but others who read your blog will still not know it exists. We also ask that if you read anything here written by an author of another blog, that you respect their privacy and DO NOT comment about their post or this blog in their comments. And lastly, we ask that you are always respectful with whatever comments you leave. You may agree or disagree with a post, but there will be no need for disparaging remarks as they will not be published.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way...
If anyone out there needs a place to go to vent, confess or just needs to be heard; email us at:
offtherecord38@rocketmail.com
Welcome. We hope while your here you'll be able to help and maybe even be helped.
Thanks for stopping by.
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